Our home study was completed yesterday morning, and went to our social worker’s supervisor. After that, off to Lansing for approval. Then official license. Then another wait for the phone calls to begin. One wait ends only to see another begins, and while I know that is the way of life, it’s rather tiring.
We began this process in June and I’m surprised at how long it’s taken to get as far as we have. However, I am pleased we are as far as along as we now are.
When I read the email the home study was complete, I can’t say I felt elation. I felt exhaustion. I felt so much tension leave my body and mind. Finally, I thought. Finally. I’ve definitely scaled back my expectations and reigned in my emotions. I indulged too far into the anticipation and preparations. Knitting the blanket, shopping for the nursery, buying clothes and shoes, buying bottles and diapers… Naming her… All of that helped me feel connected to what we were doing, but it also made it that much harder to bear when events evolved so slowly.
The last few weeks were anything but relaxing. My partner and I had ourselves psyched up for a very unrealistic timeline; we were definitely hoping for a Christmas “miracle” placement, a chance to become a family during a special time of the year. I’ve also been craving for something that will allow me not to define myself through my work so much. That’s been weighing on me, too, knowing that I’m not happy being such a workaholic, that there’s so much more for me to give of myself in a different aspect. But my focus has been solidly on my work this past week, and has been a great distraction from not having a child yet, and helped temper the two additional rounds of questions we had to answer before the home study was completed.
So another hurdle jumped. I see more ahead and am conserving my energy, which I should have done all along.