We Lost Her Before We Met Her

On Wednesday, we received the call we’ve been longing for:  Our county’s Department of Human Services had a child for us, a 21-month old girl named Mariah.  We talked it over and agreed to it.  My partner sent our licensing worker an email saying that yes, we would love to take Mariah into our home.  We celebrated by going out to dinner for what we thought would be the last time in a while.  Then, we picked up some Eucerin lotion, diapers and some other things for her, including a book about toddler behavior and what to expect.

On Thursday, we cleaned and spit-polished the house, and made sure her room was ready.  We received an email from our worker stating we’d have more information after her meeting with Child Protective Service workers and others.  I quickly arranged a leave of absence from work.  When we didn’t hear anything, we decided to go to lunch, very excited about becoming a parents finally.  In the middle of lunch, our worker called and said something unexpected happened and that she’d be at our house to conduct a home study.

We went from being excited to deflated.  Come to find out two family members stepped up and needed to be assessed, and that if those family members didn’t pan out, we’d still have a chance at Mariah.  We sat at the table with our worker during the home study completely numb and shocked.  A high chair sat to our worker’s right.  Dolls and stuffed animals sat on the couch, awaiting Mariah to play with them.  She had to have seen, she had to have known how we were feeling.  She didn’t look through the house, and she didn’t acknowledge our emotions.  After she left, we put things away.  I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.  I was too angry and hurt by the wringer we’d just been through.

I emailed by supervisor to let him know a glitch happened and I’d know more Friday morning.  Friday morning came and my partner received a voicemail saying that Mariah would be placed with a family member.  She called it a courtesy call.  Courtesy is such a gentle word for what was information that ripped our hearts apart worse than before.  Dan came home early and napped.  I sat feeling very numb and angry, and emailed my supervisor to say there was no longer a reason to find new instructors to teach my Fall classes.  He called but I didn’t answer the phone.  I couldn’t hear words of condolence, I just couldn’t, even though I appreciated them.

Why didn’t our worker know that family members might be available before giving us the call we wanted?  Why were we put through this hell?  Why did no one at DHS acknowledge our feelings and how hard it had to be?

Today, we went to the state park on Saginaw Bay.  We looked out at the wind-whipped white caps and after  Dan had taken pictures and wandered off, I leaned against the railing and told Mariah that I hope she’s safe and loved where she’s at now, and that I hope she knows there are two people who loved her immediately and without question, without having actually met her.  “Namaste, Mariah,” I said.  “I love you.”

My knees buckled.  Some of the tightly wound emotions holding me up the last two days left me, were carried along by the wind up into the sky with my words.



Filed under Uncategorized

Socks, Socks, Socks

I am sock obsessed these days.  During the winter, I was fingerless-glove obsessed.

My obsession has traveled down the body.

So I scoured Ravelry for anklet patterns and found some really nice ones.  My sister-out-law is staying in Alaska again this summer, so her journey inspired my journey toward socks.  Three years ago, I learned to knit my first pair of socks and after my initial burst of sock making, I’ve moved on to other things — cowls, hats, gloves.  Now I circle back to socks.  She told me she’d prefer ankle socks, and that’s fine by me because I can knit those up faster than full-length socks.

I’ll post pictures once I’ve completed them.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The License Finally Arrived

We’ve been awaiting the license’s arrival for months, alternating between anticipation and disappointment with nearly every visit to the mailbox.  We had grown used to the idea of it not coming, and in fact, had really let it fall off our radar screens.  We assumed it was languishing, dusty and neglected, in the DHS offices of our state’s capital, victim of short-staffing and overwhelming work loads.

I did not think the license would arrive in the unassuming white envelope.  The only thing that made it stand out to me at all was the Department of Human Services return address.  I can’t say I felt excited when I realized that our official provisional license was inside.  I had just come home from a long day at work, and my focus was on heating up leftover risotto for dinner.

When I got inside, I put the rice in the microwave, then opened the envelope and unfolded the document on the counter.  I took a picture of it, and texted it to my partner.  We’re one step closer to being daddies.


Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Home Study Complete

Our home study was completed yesterday morning, and went to our social worker’s supervisor.  After that, off to Lansing for approval.  Then official license.  Then another wait for the phone calls to begin.  One wait ends only to see another begins, and while I know that is the way of life, it’s rather tiring.

We began this process in June and I’m surprised at how long it’s taken to get as far as we have.  However, I am pleased we are as far as along as we now are.

When I read the email the home study was complete, I can’t say I felt elation.  I felt exhaustion.  I felt so much tension leave my body and mind.  Finally, I thought.  Finally.  I’ve definitely scaled back my expectations and reigned in my emotions.  I indulged too far into the anticipation and preparations.  Knitting the blanket, shopping for the nursery, buying clothes and shoes, buying bottles and diapers… Naming her… All of that helped me feel connected to what we were doing, but it also made it that much harder to bear when events evolved so slowly.

The last few weeks were anything but relaxing.  My partner and I had ourselves psyched up for a very unrealistic timeline; we were definitely hoping for a Christmas “miracle” placement, a chance to become a family during a special time of the year.  I’ve also been craving for something that will allow me not to define myself through my work so much.  That’s been weighing on me, too, knowing that I’m not happy being such a workaholic, that there’s so much more for me to give of myself in a different aspect.  But my focus has been solidly on my work this past week, and has been a great distraction from not having a child yet, and helped temper the two additional rounds of questions we had to answer before the home study was completed.

So another hurdle jumped.  I see more ahead and am conserving my energy, which I should have done all along.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Spinning Our Home Study Wheels

Today was the day I was convinced our official foster care license would arrive in the mail.  It didn’t.

All along I assumed our completed home study was in Lansing, being processed.  It wasn’t.

I assumed our social worker had completed the home study.  She hasn’t.

We both received email from her asking for more information and clarification to the questions we’ve already answered.  I had to go further in depth into my father’s abusiveness, and one of my ex’s abusiveness.  That was a treat.  Hopefully, I gave enough detail and explanation this time so we’re not held up any longer.  Dan had to write more about his abusive step-father.  Both of us have that in our pasts.  Is that going to disqualify us somehow?  Hold us up somehow?  Make them question our abilities somehow?  I can’t believe that would happen, but you never know.  Still, I’d rather be honest about my past than lie about it.  It’s happened, I’ve worked hard to process and deal with it all, I’m different than what I grew up with.  I am not my father, although sometimes I wonder if something is laying dormant.  Seems like I’d know that by now.

At any rate, we’re no farther ahead in the game than we were on the day of the home inspection.  My partner says I’m too trusting, that I’m quick to believe what people tell me.  He’s right.  In my mind, and his mind, we would already be fathers.  We’d already have our child.  Now I feel like I need to focus on something else.  I’ve been half-hearted in focusing on work because I’ve held out hope we’d have a child coming very soon.  Now I see I should have thrown myself back into work, defaulted to workaholic mode.

So I’m in here writing about my disappointment while my partner is reading a book I bought today called Gay Dads by David Strah.  I’ll read it when he’s done with it.  Maybe reading about the stories of men who have come before us will help us cope better, will help us gave a different understanding and perspective.

Will help us stop fantasizing so much and start living our lives again.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Phat Stripes Hat

I realized I couldn’t make hats for two sisters-in-law (and a mother-in-law) without making one for the third sister-in-law.  Bad Mikey.  Bad, bad, bad.

Finding the right pattern was a challenge.  First, I started looking at sock-yarn patterns, since I have a decent stash of sock yarn to use up, but realized I didn’t have the right sized needles.  (I’ve since ordered said needles from Knit Picks and they are on the way.)  I didn’t have much worsted yarn left – just scraps – but had bought some Homespun from Lion Brand called Painted Desert.  Really lovely combination of browns, blues, pinks, etc.  So off I went to find patterns for bulky yarn that would also fit the personality of this particular sister-in-law.

Ravelry took me to Smoky Mountain Fibers and the Phat Stripes Hat.  Instantly, I knew it was the hat I wanted to make.  Simple stockinette mostly, with a few ridges of purl to add some personality to the mix.  However, because Homespun to more of a floppy yarn, the hat doesn’t have the “spine” of the hat shown on the SMF blog.  Still, it turned out pretty good and I can’t wait to give it to my sister-in-law.  She’s going to like it, I’m sure of it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

A Rough Day

The wait for a child is wearing on us both today.  My other half took a week of vacation, in anticipation of having a child to adjust to.  Clearly, that’s not happening this week, and likely will not happen until sometime after we receive our permanent foster case license in January.  (We have a temporary license now.)  That timeline assumes our home study has been typed up and submitted by our social worker, and since we have not heard from her with additional questions, I have no choice but to assume things are transpiring as she told us during her visit a few weeks back: Home study report submitted the week between Christmas and New Year’s (this week), permanent license in the mail in early January, and then the wait for a phone call from case workers.

Yes, the wait has worn on us.  Lately, my partner has been quite vocal in telling me I always have to be right, that I’m overbearing, etc.  “You can’t ever let me be right,” he has said with some frequency.  I chalked it up to adjustment issues with him now being on the day shift and we’re together much more than we ever were prior.  However, it happened again this morning and I snapped.  I was livid.  I am so tired of being told that, tired of being made to feel like I’m some impossible jerk to deal with.  That I’m in any way like my father.

So I removed myself from his presence.  Wherever he was in the house, I wasn’t.  I holed myself away in my office for the most part, and erred on the side of silence being preferable to what I really wanted to say.  We eventually started talking briefly after a few hours, and he thankfully left for awhile.  I did some yoga to clear my head, and when he got back home, I told him I was tired of fighting and that if a child was going to make us fight about stupid things, then I didn’t want a child.  And I meant that.  I do not want my relationship to change for the worse because of a child being in the mix.

I don’t want to become my parents.

My feelings are still raw and frayed, but I’m not as much of an emotional tinderbox as I was earlier today.  I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to prevent myself from becoming like my parents in all the bad ways, and I’ve been pretty successful in many ways.  I think of the pictures in a photo album from when I was an older teenager.  Mom and Dad clearly miserable.  Me clearly miserable.  Brian and Amy clearly miserable.  I don’t want those pictures from the past to be pictures from my future.  I’ve got to get him to see that we cannot take our stresses and disappointments about not being parents on each other.  I’d just as soon stop the adoption process than let the strength of relationship be eaten away.

The past will not become my future.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized